Why must you ruin mah piczorz?! And right after my hair fucks up too! Damn, I have the worst luck!

As many of you know, I'm generally pretty revealing about what goes on in my personal life, you know, since I'm an egotistical teenage lesbian hoe-bag and all . . . So, I was wondering something. As a general rule, most of us have come to believe that all the users of NG are social misfits, pedo-bears, 40 year old virgins, or on the path to becoming one of the three. Naturally, you also know that you can't believe everything you see on the internet, or at least I'm assuming you do. But, getting to the point, I wanted to ask each and every one of you this question.

Are you a virgin? . . If not, when did you lose it and if you want to go into detail, who you lost it to/with.

And, since so many of you probably have no clue who I am and what I've done. I'll go ahead and answer the question myself.

Am I a virgin? . . Admittedly, no. What I lost it to is the sad part. Technically, I lost my virginity when I was nine . . to a shopping cart in a Walmart parking lot. I fell on it and busted the fuck out of my cherry . . I never wanted to sit down again, I swear . . . but, besides that, if you don't count cunticular-rape by Walmart buggy as grounds for losing your innocence in the most embarrassing way possible, I did have sex at some kid's birthday party when some jackass spiked all the soda. I can't remember who the poor fuck was. I was eleven, I think . . . or 13, idk . . Yes, I know, I was one hell of a promiscuous motherfucker, but at least I learned from my mistakes, right?

Okay, maybe not. About a year later, when I turned into a closet homo (see lestacular noob post #WTF) I got suckered into drinking way more than I could possibly be able to control myself under the influence of and ended up fucking my best friend, because her dead-beat boyfriend left her high and dry, if you know what I mean . . but anyway, so ultimately, I not only whored around with guys in my not-so-innocent childhood, but continued to fail with the fairer sex as well. Yes, I'm ranting about myself now.

Anyway, I hope that satisfies you sick bastards for a bit, since I'm in a pissy mood now . . I'm not sure why, but really, enjoy the reminiscence of my promiscuity while you can. With my terrible habits of alcohol binging and drug abuse (which I'm trying to stop doing) I might not be able to remember anything at all, eh?

2023 - edited to remove sensitive infos

You guys will not believe what kind of shit I have gotten myself into now. This is the absolute most insane thing I've ever done for a friend (besides fucking). Anyway, so this is how it all started. Sorry if I make typos, I'm really really tired from walking for two or three miles. I'll try to keep it coherent.

So anyways, I was at school, waiting for my ride as usual. I think it was four o'clock or something. Anyway, I'm saying that word a lot, I was with my best male friend, C, who I've known for like . . forever. So, it was late, and I was seriously beginning to doubt that I'd ever get home because it was late enough that the principal of the highschool and his daughter, CC, left and locked the office (so I couldn't call home, like I said I wuld have) so that left C and I nowhere to go and nothing to do.

It was starting to get a little dark already, so we decided to start walking home. We got on the road and walked for a bit, about half a mile down the road until we were almost up to the next street. So, about halfway to the bridge, this black truck pulls up.

At first, we think it's C's mom, because she has pretty brown hair and always wears a red jacket, but when they stop and we get closer, we realize who it is. It was not infact, his mom, it was M, or Mady for short, along with her boyfriend Bn.

"You want a ride?" Mady asked. I only remember it because she's fucking HOT.

C shook his head and said, "No thanks."

"A?"

I shook my head.

"Where you headed?" she asked.

"My house." I said.

Her eyes got big . . "You sure you don't want a ride?"

"We're sure." C said.

She said something back, but I don't remember. Anyway, we started walking again when they left.

"I can't believe I just refused that offer." I said.

"Me either. Damnit!"

"If you would've said yes, I would've said, 'but under one conditon'"

He laughed and suggested something lewd and we talked about flying titties and stuff until we got to a service station, which we passed because I was broke and he was too. Then we walked around a dead possum, which I couldn't smell because I had mint gum . . until we got down the road and I spat it out, which was when my crazy step dad rolled up. He yelled at me to get in the car, like 'imma beat yo ass if you dont get in this car' or something, so I just kept walking, even though Cody told me not to. Then the jackass drove off like a maniac and we got to the intersection, where he did the same thing again. I just put my stuff in the car and ran to the intersection.

Finally, the old man gave up and went home, and we ran as fast as we could through the intersection and took a left at the next road, where we stared singing 'love and marriage' the song that was stuck in our heads all the way there and went back to the previous conversation we were having about how this was the longest time we'd spent together besides the time in band where we were sharing a cd player.

We took a bend and passed a trailerpark and nearly escaped death by truck. The mirror of the truck almost touched his arm! Then, when we were almost to the turn to my road, (he was walking me home and then going to his house) my stepdad showed up again. I screamed something akin to WTF and C finally got me to get in the car . . slowly, mind you. Then my stepdad offered him a lift too. I was surprised.

C got in and we started riding across town to his house. when we got there, i told him to give my last words to Js. we hugged, and he went home. To make matters worse on me, however, we got lost on the way back. I called my mom and found out that the police had been notified of my status as missing, and nearly flipped out (on the inside) . . but finally, I did make it home in one piece even if my legs hurt like fuck now. I still can't believe that I turned down Mady, the sweetest, non-innocent angel I've ever seen. I also can't believe she had Bn stop . . . but anyway, any advice before my mom comes home and kills me?

B Forever! . . . Also, 69.

Well, I'm done with being inactive. I'm tired of falling behind. From now on, I'm devoting my online time to NG, and making stuff to put on here. Speaking of making stuff, I made a flash this morning; a hentai quiz, lol, so go play it! There's going to be more to come soon, when I get my scripts in order.

Ok, taking another break from writing stories again. I wrote you guys some nice, heartfelt poems to read while I'm on hiatus, starving to death.

2023: wow i wrote a lot of unholy shit. edited to remove references to people

- - -

Tortuous Love, written for S

Oh, Love is a torturous thing

Thoughts

They fuse

You like them

But do they like you?

Beliefs to lies

Which one is right?

From your guilty pleasure

Do you delight

Should you tell them?

Could you tell them?

You want to tell them,

But you cannot

This dilemma

It leaves you distrought

Oh my dear S,

Love is a tortuous thing

Do you know?

Are you sure?

Are their thoughts of your own reflection?

Are you their object of affection?

These questions,

so troublesome

You must struggle

Until the war is won

Feed the fire

The time is nigh

The question is

Are you right?

Will your love take flight?

You want to believe

To hope that their looks really do not deceive

But you truly do not know

Until your love grows

Oh, love is a troublesome thing[/i]

Eaten Up Inside - written for my emo side

Eaten up inside

Go away

Let me die

I never got what I wanted

I never got what I needed

What's on my mind?

I cannot say

I am insane

I like this game

I'm done being there for others

They have their pain

And so do I

Don't need the love of my brother

I don't know why

Don't want to be with one another

Feeling numb

So long

Oh God

It's all I know

Now I pray for all of them to go away

Let me die

I don't need their ways

Let me die

Eaten up inside

I'll die smiling

Let me go

Let me die

Frozen here in time

What's on my mind

Who can say why

It's not invention I'm beating

I cannot stop all this bleeding

As I dream maybe I'll fly away

Eaten up inside

Let me die

I never got what I wanted

I never got what I needed

I'll die smiling

Eaten up inside

Skittles - an ode to my companion

Look around you

Your world

It turns about you

Love lost

Friendships burned

Look to the past

Truths discerned

Turn away from them

Destroy it all

Hold nothing near to you

For from you, it will be stripped

The threads of your heart

Cut into pieces

No more remorse

See the light

It plays about you

Your darkness revealed

Stay with me my child

That your darkness be concealed

Your evil hidden from the world

No love lost

No friendships burned

For in truth, you had nothing at all

Stay with me my child

That I may build you a wall

Behind which you will hide your darkness

That you may not fall

Fall into Darkness

I am not who you think I am

You do not understand my dilemmas

Honestly, I do not give a damn

Look what you have taken from us

You stole my heart

Gave it away

Trampled on my soul

Look at what you have done to me

Look at me

I am a shell of what I used to be

I have fallen into darkness

My soul black as pitch

My heart a pool of cess

You are my reason for falling into darkness

My reason to hate

My sole weakness

My love, you have stolen my consciousness

You stole my logic with a kiss

My livelihood replaced by bliss

My heart is black

Tainted from your touch

I want you back

But I hate you so much

My soul is a crumpled letter in your hands

Ready to be written again

Ink laden and dusty

I fear we shall go at it again

You

You

I like so many things about you

It seems I don't know what to do

When I'm around you

I feel like I could fly

Like a bird

High in the sky

You are my heroin

My object of desire

My love

You are everything I've known I wanted

And everything I've ever wanted to know

How can you leave me like this

How can I survive alone?

Feels like I've lost everything I've known

We push the buttons down inside

We tear our hearts out

Then we fuck

Hey

I know

Feels like I've lost everthing I've known

Every time we fight it feels so wrong

I feel so enslaved by my pride

Can we be again?

We push the buttons far inside

We tear our hearts up

Then we fuck

Hey

I know

Feels like I've lost everything I've known

How can I survive alone

Without you?

Little Dead Girls

I see them

They come to me

I feel them in my head

Their stares boring through my skin

I see them

They're all dead

Their blood spattered bodies

Their tattered skin

It comes to me

Only in dreams

I hear them

They try to scream

Mournful whimpers rustling in the wind

They meet my ears

Making me wonder what might have been

I hear them

If only they could speak

I feel them

They reach right through me

Cold caresses

Unfeeling embraces

I feel them

Only in my dreams

I smell their blood

It pools around my body

I cannot sleep tonight

My life steeped in blood shed long ago

[An Untitled Rant] - Devoted to H's ignorance of how much I loved her (at first)

Damn it!

I don't get you at all!

What is it that makes this boy so fucking great?

All he is ever going to do is get you knocked up,

Then he's going to leave you all fucked up!

Why don't you understand?

I know love is blind

But is that worth this?

Is it worth leaving your family behind?

Worth leaving the people who love you?

Worth leaving ME?

I can't believe you

You betrayed me

Now I don't know what I'm going to do

You stupid fuck!

Why can't you love me?!

I've waited for so long, just to hold you

To do anything with you,

and you don't even care

I just want to die!

Why?

Why do you hate me?

Don't leave me

I don't want to be like this

I love you,

I truly do

Why can't you just love me like I love you

Why can't we even talk to eachother

We're supposed to love one another

But all you care about is this dude

This guy who's only going to cause you trouble

This guy who I despise for being so lucky

I keep trying to tell you, he's not good for you

But you never listen

So fuck off and good-bye to both of you

Because no matter what I do

I'll always love you

And you'll never see the same way I do

I want to die

I want to die

I want to feel the life slipping out of me

I want to be a lifeless boat in a sea of my own blood

I want to go where any dead man could

I want to drown in an ocean of red

I want to see how it is on the other side

I want to die

Weirdo

I know I'm a weirdo

You don't have to say it

I've always been strange

There's no denying it

I've always been derranged

I like it when they talk about me

It tells me that they know I'm there

I like it how they always bleed

It pleases me when they're scared

I like it when they see me as an enemy

It lets me know they fear me

Because I'm always the enemy of their morality

Screaming, they dance around my head

Hoping they'll make me end up dead

Here I come again

Silence, it goes away

Patience, oh really should I stay

Feeling it go on

What should I say

Here, I fuck up again

But I always win

Here I come again

Only You

Only you can crumple me up like this

Only you can cause me to waste away

Only you can hurt me like this

Only you can crush me in this way

Only you, because you are the one I love

Only you, because you are the one I want to hold

Only you, because you are the one sent from above

Only you, because you are the one I behold

Only you are the one I idolize

Only you are the one I want to be with

Only you are the one I need to keep me alive

Only you are the one I cannot despise

Only you are with him

Only you are with that user

Only you are the girl he throws away

Only you are the girl always comes back to him

Only you are the one he impregnates and leaves unsupported

Only you are the one who cries when he desserts you

Only you are the one who never reports it

Only you are the one who supports him

Only you are the girl who is his slave

Only you are the one who is stupid and naive

Only you are the one who ignores my advice

Only you are the one who doesn't know how to stay alive

Only you

H

I'm back from my trip and I got second chair, W00T! Ruth got 6th, Inger got 8th, and Josh got 1st. I can remember what everyone else I knew that went got. Whew, I'm still exausted from all that. I think I've been sleeping in for two days. Anyway, I'll be writing the next chapter in the series very soon. I plan on showing a bit more sensitivity in my character this time around and a little bit of fluff.

Okay guys, since I'm going on a band trip tomorrow, I won't be here for about two days. I'll try to bring my laptop so I can talk to you, but I doubt I'll be able to use it wherever we're going. I think we'll be doing a concert because we have to bring our instruments. Wish me luck!

I get to go to state band clinic! W00T! I'm so happy!

Wish me luck! Also, the next chapter in the story might be delayed since Ruth and I are actually dating now. It's hard to write stuff when you have someone looking over your shoulder.

Laterz for now

Ok guys, I need a few days off. I'm beat. While you wait for my return, why not just enjoy this random poster that I scanned in